The Only Way is Essex: A-Z
Some of Essex’s finest are ‘’dolling’’ themselves up for the TV crews of ITV2, in a bid to become the newest reality socialites since The Hills. The new reality show premiered on Sunday, with a double bill, and what a performance. A whopping 1.5 million of us were glued to the screen and before the show could break after the first 15 minutes , Facebook and Twitter alike were on the rampage.
The Only Way is Essex follows the lives of a group of 20-somethings ready to embark on the big bad world of Essex. We are thrown in at the deep end, where the storylines have been brewing for some time.
So here is my personal A – Z to The Only Way is Essex…
A is for ‘’Arg’’ – We don’t yet know much about Arg, however he does keep us interested. His lack of confidence during a speed dating session and his constant put downs from Mark makes him the most lovable member of the cast.
B is for Birds and blokes – So here is the 411. Mark Wright, a 23 club promoter with a strong opinion of women and relationships is best chum with James known by all as ‘Arg’. ‘Arg’, a conundrum of a character is a common face at Sugar Hut, owned by Kirk Norcross. Kirk is a 22 year old self confessed heart throb, whose own heart throbs for Amy Childs, 20. Amy is a beauty therapist, whose ideal love interest should resemble Peter Andre or Alex Reid, no surprises there. Amy is best friends with Sam Faiers, a 19 year old lad’s mag model who doesn’t see eye to eye with Lauren Goodger, 23. Lauren has found a new lease on life, after a nine year relationship with Mark Wright ended.
C is for Cursing – Now every young lady must learn to bite her tongue when needed, but this rule does not apply with this lot. The swearing spills from their cherry lip glossed lips like toxic waste, very unattractive.
D is for Dating – During the second episode the cast attended a speed dating night, where drama erupted. Mark and Lauren confronted each other after Mark showed up at Lauren’s birthday bash with Sam Faiers. Kirk kept interrupting Amy’s dating session with a cheeky Scouser.
E is for Extras – Other than the familiar faces there are some extra characters. Harry, a slight eccentric camp male version of Amy, his cousin. Michael and Candy, the bar staff at Kirk’s club Sugar Hut and Nanny Pat, Mark’s grandmother.
F is for Fake – An obvious choice. Aside from rumours that the show is scripted there are other elements proven to be fake. Tans, for example, yes the glamorous ‘tan in a can’. During the first episode we see Lauren receiving a touch up of the orange mist from the local beauty therapist, Amy. Another fake facet are Amy’s twin assets, she admits during a modelling sign up in the second episode that she has been under the knife.
G is for Gym – The Gym is a place of solitude, where one can reflect on their day whilst toning. Mark and Arg attended the gym, where a surprise run-in with Sam Faiers took place. This was the first time Mark and Sam have seen each other, after a rumour leaked about a secret kiss between the pair.
H is for the Hills – TOWIE is ITV2’s attempt to bring a little bit of Hollywood to Britain by mimicking the acclaimed Hills series.
I is for intellect – The cast might have the beauty but they are lacking in the brains department, especially the dizzy Amy Childs, who said “Who done the dictionary though? Is he from Essex?’’ after hearing the definition of an Essex girl. Speaking of the dictionary, Amy also creates her own words, saying ‘’Politicious’’ to describe politicians.
J is for Jessica Wright – Jessica, 25, is Mark’s older sister. She’s dabbling in many careers from furniture dealer to eyelash technician. She is also the lead singer of Lola, a four piece girl band trying to break into the business.
K is for Kirk Norcross – Kirk spends many nights being driving love sick over Amy Childs. He is clearly fond of her and does become quite jealous, saying to Amy ‘’ Of course people fancy you… you have fake t**s and you look really nice”.
L is for Lola – Lovable, outrageous, loud and ambitious. The band consists of Jessica 25, Amber 29, Lauren 20 and Linzi 28. They showcase their talent at Lauren Goodger’s birthday bash at Sugar Hut during the first episode.
M is for Money – Something this lot seem to have endless amounts of, especially Mark Wright who spent nearly £4,000 on a watch.
N is for Nanny Pat – Who doesn’t love a little old lady? Mark’s grandmother is always there for Mark, lasagne in one hand and iron in the other. She does a lot for him and he loves it.
O is for Orange – who doesn’t love the sun kissed look? Well, maybe not when it looks like the sun has taken advantage of you. The tango look however has become an Essex trademark and Amy wears it so well.
P is for Proposal – Mark and Lauren have broken up, and during a conversation Mark has with his sister Jessica, he contemplates the idea of a marriage proposal. Mark leaves Lauren with an ultimatum, if they do get back together they will get married or it’s the end. However Lauren refuses his offer and chooses to be single.
Q is for Quantity – It’s clear the girls don’t mind the skimpy look, it seems the less you wear the better you feel? At Lauren’s birthday bash there was a fair share of cleavage and thighs on show.
R is for Respectful – Now much in this show has come across as negative but Kirk pulled it out of the bag and showed some genuine gentlemanly gestures. Amy became quite intoxicated whist at Sugar Hut and offered to spend the night with Kirk, however Kirk refused and offered Amy a lift home, saying ‘’I know I’m going to get home and be like ‘oh my God’’’.
S is for Sugar Hut – Owned by Kirk Norcross and a place to party.
T is for Tattoos – During a spray tanning session Amy discovers a private tattoo printed on Lauren. It seems whilst Lauren and Mark were a couple, she got ‘Mark’ tattooed on her nether regions. However Mark didn’t return the gesture and the couple broke up, leaving Lauren single and labelled as Marks property. Kirk is keen to add more tattoos to his collection and despite discouragement he goes forth and gets a pin up girl inked on his leg. The tattoo however resembles Amy, his love interest which leads many to believe he may be obsessed.
U is for Universal Music Studios – Lola played a set at Sugar Hut which was attended by the record label Universal. The producers later sign the band and begin recording their first track.
V is for Vajazzle – The nether regions are a popular place of art it seems, Lauren with her tattoo and now Sam Faiers with her Vajazzle. Amy takes up the opportunity to brush up on her ‘vajazzingly’ technique and gives Sam a blinging bikini line.
W is for Work – So what do they do for a living? Well Mark is a club promoter, who has been recently hired by Lola as their manager. Kirk owns Sugar Hut. Amy is a model, who has turned glamour model. Sam is a glamour model. Jessica is a lead in Lola, who has dabbling in modelling. Arg is a singer, who spent his summer is Malaga performing in bars and clubs and then there’s Lauren. She has just been hired as the assistant to the directors trying to introduce Essex fashion week.
X is for eXes – it was made clear that Mark and Lauren used to date, but it was revealed that Kirk and Amy were also once an item.
Y is for Yoyo – The relationship Yoyo treatment, Mark and Lauren have apparently been through the whole break up situation many times with each other and after some words from Nanny Pat ‘’You’ve been backwards and forwards with Lauren for ages, what do you really want, Mark, eh?’’, Mark finally makes up his mind.
Z is for Zaftig – Yes it is a word, meaning full figure. When I tuned into The Only Way is Essex I was very pleased to see all the girls had natural figures, barring some adjustments. I was expecting an army of size 6s and was delighted to get a full range of sizes.
So The Only Way is Essex does get the audience buzzed whether it is positive or negative. Now after vowing never to be an Essex serotype, I find myself happy to watch and eagerly awaiting the next instalments, every Wednesday and Sunday at 10pm on ITV2.