7:53:38 PM: I’m going to be live blogging this new ITV series tonight! The only thing I know about it is that it’s on after Corrie…

7:58:38 PM: In honour of this show being about water (I presume), I’m in the bath. 4 minutes to go. Hiding from Coronation Street.

8:01:38 PM: In position. Entertain me, ITV.

8:02:47 PM: Water! Nice. Hilly shots. Looks like Lord of the rings. Just need some orcs.

8:03:47 PM: Clips of people laughing, somebody saying they don’t know what it’s about

8:04:08 PM: Ah, lots of British Orc men.

8:04:39 PM: Woman in red. Looks like she works in IT.

8:05:21 PM: More hill porn. And now a castle.

8:07:09 PM: Boring story about people I don’t care about…. This is a show about lakes and boring people, so far. Should be a hit.

8:09:20 PM: A boat has collapsed. People are laughing. Again.

8:10:41 PM: Woman in red? Former IT consultant. TV bingo!!

8:11:47 PM: To explain, this is a mockumenary about what the orcs did before The One True Ring. Sort of. Except not.

8:12:29 PM: It’s actually a documentary about random people we don’t care about.

8:13:03 PM: Is it an ad break already?

8:13:20 PM: Yep! Nothing has happened yet. Uhm.

8:15:25 PM: Ah, I’m glad I’m live blogging the launch of this stunning new ITV series, it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. #sarcasm.

8:16:37 PM: Now we’re seeing the Lake District from THE AIR. Yes, THE AIR! This could have travelled from THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD!

8:18:02 PM: A man is going to propose to his girlfriend in a hot air balloon. Sweet. She said yes. What with being hundreds of feet in the air?

8:18:20 PM: I’m so cynical. (There’s also a TV crew in the balloon).

8:19:51 PM: Boyfriend Kev has arrived with the IT consultant Red Lady. Boyfriend Kev is dressed in Red. Oh noes! Their wall needs replastered.

8:20:07 PM: AND THERE’S DAMP! :(

8:20:56 PM: NEXT WEEK: IT consultant lady’s mum gets MUD ON THE FLOOR!

8:21:06 PM: (That’s not a joke, that was the clip).

8:21:57 PM: Now we’re off to Lake Windermere for a man who is going to swim across it “without armbands”.

8:23:50 PM: Lake Man has “big big heart”. He’s raising money for charity by swimming the lake.

8:24:10 PM: NEXT TIME: We’re on patrol! Patrol man, looking at lake: “It’s AMAZING!”

8:24:22 PM: NEXT TIME: A pig runs into somebody!

8:24:38 PM: …And, that’s it.

8:25:08 PM: NEXT TIME: I won’t be tuning in. Sorry, producers: that was shit. It had no educational or entertainment value. No humour at all.