Oh God, here we go again. It’s apparently the final ever Celebrity Big Brother and rumours have been rife over who will be involved. I was excited to hear about Stephen Baldwin, the worst Baldwin brother, if only because his film Sharks in Venice is a breathtakingly awful piece of ‘cinema’ and I am keen to see if he explains the moment when his leg is bitten off and then re-appears in the next scene.

Dane Bowers and Alex Reid have been desperately trying to drum up some interest in their 2-d personalities with a ‘brawl’ which made it into the papers this weekend. I’ m sick of them already…

9.00pm That’s the same coat as she had on for the last Big Brother, like she’s skinned something froBeing Human

9.01pm Oh she’s mentioned the fight already, good one Davina. Better tell the audience what you’ve just hinted at. Oh you just have…

9.02pm Extra guests you say? And a scary clown head. The kitchen is like an autopsy room and there’s a posh shed. I quite like this ‘horror house’. I’d live there.

9.03pm Do they seriously think that the ‘celebs’ will be looking at the decor? They’re so self-obsessed they won’t notice any of this nonsense.

9.04pm STEPHEN BALDWIN, 43, ACTOR/AUTHOR/ENTERTAINER

He was opera singer? Cool, I didn’t know that. Show a clip of Sharks In Venice!!

Wait, he was born a Catholic and then became a Born Again…..Christian??? Catholics ARE Christians Stephen.

Shame his other brothers got the looks and he got the tal- no wait…erm, he got the…er..I’ll get back to you.

9.06pm “I plan on being a representation of the light of truth” Yeah, thanks Barney Rubble.

9.08pm Barney’s coke-addled brain can’t find the door. Great start.

9.08pm NICOLA T – 23 – GLAMOUR MODEL

Anyone heard of her? No?

Designed fashion range for a children’s hospital? Crotchless nappies? What the hell?

9.11pm The IQ -ometer is still in single figures in the house according to my mum XD

9.11pm Don’t the five minute explainations of who people are kind of defeat the object of ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother?

9.12pm BREAK! Well, let’s have a look at twitter… Previous housemate Aisleyne has declared Stephen a ‘nob’.  @emmadaisybates points out that they played Marilyn Manson to introduce a born-again Christian.

9.17pm ALEX REID – 24 – CAGE FIGHTER

Oh here he comes, the cross-dressing wrestler boyfriend of Jordan. His shit record of 8 wins, 8 losses and 1 draw make him slightly above Dale Winton in the Wrestling stakes.

9.20pm STEPHANIE BEECHAM-62-ACTRESS

Seriously?! At least Baldwin will know who she is. I predict she’ll be out first.

9.23pm Oh Barney doesn’t know who she is lol

9.24 LADY SOVEREIGN-23-SINGER

About time, she’s the most interesting one so far. I’m waiting for the reason we haven’t heard of her lately. I wonder if they’ll all think she’s this year’s ‘fake celebrity’?

9.27pm Stephanie’s not impressed with ‘Sov’. Barney doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.

9.29pm BREAK! Back to twitterland and no-one seems to know who Lady Soveriegn is. :@welshandy can’t stand her and @benchanning thinks she looks a but ‘boyish’ in what she’s wearing. Bit confused are we Ben? Feeling ‘those’ feelings again?

9.33pm SISQO-31-RAPPER

You’re wrong-wro-wro-wro-wrong about him being a Superstar though. I bet on him and Sov to make a Grimehop baby in there.

I like the fact he’s doing his song, that’s how to get the crowd on your side. OMG he’s TINY! He’s like a doll.

21.37pm Barney knows him! Unless he thinks it’s Sir Mix-A-Lot.

21.38pm DANE BOWERS-30-DJ/MUSICIAN/PRESENTER

Another ex of Jordan, but then they do make up 49% of the UK male population. “11 out of 10 in bed” is just the level of maths I’d expect from one of his exes.

21.41pm Alex’s reaction is..ooo, I think they slept together, check out that look.

21.43pm HEIDI FLEISS-44-ENTREPRENEUR

44?!!!? Since 1987 right? And ‘entrepreneur’ is a bit of a stretch.

21.46pm Heidi just said to Barney “I’ve seen you before….” She must have seen Sharks In Venice..

21.47pm BREAK! On twitter @jasongorman thinks Noam Chomsky is the next person in. I concur.

21.51pm BASSHUNTER-33-DJ

YAY! I like him, he’s funny. And hot in a “satellite engineer in the living room” kind of way. He should get his kit off too. Result. Oh, they’re calling him Jonas, that’s nice.

21.54pm Sisqo-”I feel even shorter” Nice. Beecham has gone to Cougar Town, did you see that look she gave him?

21.55pm KATIA IVANOVA-24-MODEL OR SOMETHING

I have nothing to say about her really, maybe Heidi will offer her a job. Nice Rolling Stones ref from Davina, the demographic will definitely get that one.

21.57pm She doesn’t sound very Russian to me. Bowers will know her, he’ll be in there like a rat up a drainpipe. God, Heidi is terrifying, she looks like someone dug up Michael Jackson.

21.58pm VINNIE JONES-44-ACTOR

Nice one, a complete psycho who will terrify the other men and definitely win. Barney might know him, he’s seen X-Men 3. He probably thought it was a documentary about his life.

22.02pm Vinnie lives on Mulholland. That is quite surreal.

22.03pm BREAK!! Thanks for all your comments down here, you’re all crashing our server and we love you for it, we love the pain. On twitter @robmacca worries for the health of those scantily clad men at the entrance. What a kind man.  @jsh0k is expecting Gazza like many of you. I dunno, it might be one too many slightly delicate people, we don’t want Lord of the Flies in there. What am I saying…

22.07pm Oh God, here comes the twist. Live tigers? Ex-husbands? Nope, they’re getting in a mini. Yeah, that’s shit.

22.09pm They’re too busy talking to listen to the massive amazing twist. “On your head be it”? The last one in has the car dropped on their head. AWESOME!

22.11pm Here’s the twist – CAR BOMB!

22.13pm Barney’s wig has come loose! Beecham’s tennalady has shifted, oh God this is abominable.

22.15pm That’s the lot! Well, there we go. Let’s guess who’ll be the first to crack. Beecham has worked out that red means stop, so she might be the cleverest one in there.

22.16pm *Sigh* well that was exhausting (EXHAUSTing!! That was a fab pun there, just as a little bonus. Good night everyone!

[A round of applause for Kirsty please, everybody! -ed]