Reports are dribbling through from the Americas that this year’s live music show controversy has taken place, as expected, on the American Music Awards. Not content to be shoving nipples in our faces and blaspheming with merry abandon, it seems the former Colonies are now allowing young gentlemen to simulate the most heinous of private acts, and to kiss each other live on television broadcasts.

You may be confused, readers, by the last sentence. You read it right, and may God have mercy on our souls. Two young gentleman – both employed in that most chaste of environments, the music industry – were seen brazenly locking lips in front of an audience including the Christian and unmarried. And as if this were not enough to chill the very core of your being, it seems that far from being clapped in irons immediately, the chief perpetrator, one Adam Lambert, was merely chastised by local media before being released without charge, possibly into the nearest brothel or opium den.

Mr Lambert (possibly French, which does not excuse the indiscretion but merely explains it) was seen to gyrate wildly into the face of a dancer before he did grasp the head of a male musician and kiss him with great fervour. Reports were made of women fainting, and of a dog being born with two heads in the aftermath of the debauchery.

Your End of Show correspondent was only able to bring you this shocking report after jeopardising her very soul to view the offending material on Youtube. We post it here only as warning of what can happen should the youth shun their Bible studies and become tempted by jazz music and liquor.