Davina’s back – but why is she dressed like one of the cyber-dogs from the Dr Who Christmas Special?

LaToya Jackson is first in, OR!!! Is it just Michael in a wig? Think about it, it would be the perfect disguise.

Mutya Buena gets booed because she comes across as quite a horrible human being in the video. She’s tattooed like a pirate. Does she have ‘Primula’ tatted on her neck?

Verne Troyer needs help bringing his bags in because they’re bigger than he is, this makes for one of the strangest moments of any BB ever. Everyone knows who he is, party mad mofo that he is.

Tommy Sheridan is the bottom of the barrel celeb this time round, their George Galloway, slotted in to try and raise the tone slightly. Shame, because he’s dull as Liberal ditch water. Booo!

Lucy Pinder – she’s got two A-levels so is probably the brain box of the group.

Ben from A1 says that’s what he’s ‘most famous for’. Two clues mate, one it’s the only thing you’re famous for, and second, you’re not famous. He says he was fat when won Most Fanciable Male at the Smash Hits Poll Winners Party. Yeah, and you’re still ugly.

Tina Malone describes herself as a fat scouser. I have no more to say on the subject. No-one recognises her, natch.

What is it with formerly cool rappers like Coolio coming on British reality shows? Flavor Flav started this mad trend. He says he has no expectations, but then he also says that people stop in the street and make him feel like God. What’s with the V mask on the back of his head? He’s doing the gun sign, copying Alex from BB10.

Michelle Heaton says Liberty X were going for 6 years?! She was depressed after it all went wrong apparently, in direct contrast to the rest of the country.  Apparently she got advice from Jordan and Peter Andre on how to act on reality TV so expect her to get her bum out and compose a crappy song before marrying one of the other housemates – please let it be the A1 arse.

Terry Christian identifies himself as a Northern Twat. Him to win then? He’s been in the business for 26 years so it’s going to a kicker when NO-ONE knows who he is. I think he’ll gravitate towards Sheridan and then they’ll fight like rutting stags. Nice coat though Tez.

ULLLLLRI KA-KA-KA-KA! At least she’s got a sense of humour about her myriad issues, I like Ully, (as her mates call her) and I can’t wait to see her fall out with Pinder, Buena and Heaton because she’s still fitter than them after eight kids.

The crowd are particularly twatty tonight, booing everyone. Very tiresome bunch.

Davina reveals that the last one to bag a bed tonight will be head of house and gets their own private quarters. They will be the only one to nominate and will probably be instantly evicted because of it. Tune back to us on for all your BB news! And may God have mercy on our souls.

EDIT – So Terry Christian is the first head of house, inspired. My mum just asked how Verne Troyer is going to get on the toilet. Good point, well made.