Kirsty Walker recaps Heroes at BBC 2 Speed because she’s a good girl.

It’s only episode three and already Sylar is strapped to a table in the Company cells. For an all-powerful super villain he does have a knack of getting himself in bother. Never mind though because his mum’s here – no, not Audrey from Little Shop Of Horrors, it’s a new mummy, Angela Petrelli. I recently saw an avatar which said “If we get any more Petrellis we’ll be able to play six degrees of Angela’s womb.” Classic.

During Season 2, Bridget Bailey was introduced as an interactive element on the BBC website, where you could track her emails with Mohinder Suresh. She was a British Hero, very exciting then that she showed up on the screen. “Bridget!” I cried. “Bridget Bailey! Fantastic”. Then Mama Petrelli served her up to Sylar as a tasty main course. Farewell England’s Rose!

HRG isn’t pleased that his new partner is the very same man who was fingering his daughter’s cerebellum a few days earlier. The rest of us unbelievably excited of course, as Angela dresses up her newly acquired boy in a rather fetching suit and sends him out with his hair all slicked down like a Corleone. Brilliant scenes as Sylar does that acting thing he does, ordering the local plod to get him some coffee as he and Noah investigate a bank robbery being pulled off by the escaped Villains.

Ah yes, the Villains. We’ve got Knox, who feeds off fear and appears to have just stepped off the set of New Jack City, we have ‘The German’, so much of a stereotype that they don’t even bother giving him a name, Flint, whose name I had to look up because apart from being a fireball throwing douchebag he’s rather anonymous, and Jesse, who is also Peter Petrelli.

Wha? Oh yes, Present Peter Petrelli, or 3P as he shall henceforth be known has been trapped inside the body of Jesse by Future Peter Petrelli (FuPe). 3P is trying not be found out as he seems to have been embroiled in this planned heist from the start. Here’s the thing. These four villains have been planning this robbery, but they’ve been trapped inside level 5. When did they formulate this plan? During yard exercise? Why has the Company allowed its most dangerous prisoners to chat about a possible heist? And come to think of it, they had no idea that they were going to be released from the holding cells by Elle’s short circuit, so we have to assume that they were planning a hypothetical raid on a hypothetical bank, which they just happened to find within a few miles of Primatech.

So back to the best ones, HRG and his ‘partner’ Sylar. (Fanfic writers – start your engines!) Sylar is bitching about not being allowed to help, like his Dad has taken him to work for the day but told him not to touch anything. HRG gets himself swapped for the hostages, and meanwhile, Knox has managed to work out that 3P isn’t really Jesse, not that outwitting him is particularly hard, this man is so dumb that he wouldn’t understand his own plotlines. Knox is feeding off of the fear of the others, plunging his fist through the German’s chest and attacking 3P, leading him to unleash Jesse’s power – a supersonic scream. Right on cue FuPe arrives and teleports 3P out of there, leaving everyone else in an unholy mess. Sylar leaps in to save his new Work Dad and can’t resist scooping Jesse’s power while he’s at it. Bad Sylar! Back to the cells you go while Noah plots to kill you, though we know there’s going to be some reason for him to change his mind. Possibly some hot Company locker room scenes. (What? You were thinking it too!)

Hiro and Ando are busy chasing after the world’s fastest woman, who has half of an important formula in her possession which Hiro wants for some reason. I’ll admit I’ve lost track of this storyline. So the formula can give people powers? What, like Mohinder has already done? Why aren’t they at his house with some industrial strength flypaper instead? Anyhoo, they’re in Berlin (we know this because there are some German posters for a Buster Keaton festival) trying to get the other half of the formula before Daphne does. There’s a lot of slapstick going on but it’s fun because there are no future people and no body swaps. The Haitian gets knocked out by Ando (why does no-one ever think of this? You might not have your super powers but you can still kick his ass) but Daphne still ends up with the formula, and the Chuckle Brothers end up in Level 2 of the Company cells. D’Oh!

Back in Africa and Pacman is rapping with his spirit friend who has Isaac’s painting powers. Afro-Isaac’s apparently painted a rather bleak future for Pacman where he appears to carrying his dead wife in his arm. Downer! Next time, how about a nice sunset, or a unicorn drinking from an enchanted pool?

Over at the Bennett house, Sandra is ready to bitch-slap Claire’s bio-mommy, the amazingly crap Meredith. Just cos she can make fire and all that shiz don’t mean she is nuffink! Claire doesn’t think she needs school because she’s a super hero, but this is ridiculous – she’ll need Chemistry to get the dye-job right on her Future Hair when she goes all bad, she’ll need English to understand Sylar’s cryptic explanations of her ‘specialness’, and I hear that the Company now wants NVQ Level 2 in Professional Heroism before they’ll even interview.

Meredith takes Claire on a nice mother-daughter bonding trip to an empty shipping container, where she proceeds to try and suffocate her to get the confession that Claire doesn’t want to be a cape-billowing supergirl to help people, just to lay the smack down on the man who brain-raped her. Good luck blondie.

Nikki version 3.0 aka Tracey Strauss is in Norlens, accidentally barging into Nikki’s lying in state. Come on, she’s been dead for months! How come she’s still laid at a funeral home? She barely even looks dead! Micah knows that Aunt Tracey isn’t his mum, but he can find her medical records, which shows that she was born on the same day as his mum, at the same time, in the same hospital. And he still hasn’t surmised that maybe they were twins? I thought this kid was supposed to be a genius.

Tracey barges in on an elderly doctor who calls her ‘Barbara’, and says he created her. Oh golly, here we go again…How many of these women are out there? They’re like tribbles!

Next week we go into the future again, who’s betting that 3P ends up stepping on a butterfly and accidentally wipes out the world whilst trying to save his My Chemical Romance records from a deadly virus or something? Stop. Trying. To Help.

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